I get it now. Before I was a grandmother (4 months ago), for more times than I can count, I heard variations on “you won’t believe how wonderful it is to be a grandparent.” Yeah, yeah, of course. It’s a baby for God’s sake. Which inspired the corollary “you get all the upsides of parenthood, and none of downsides.”
Make no mistake, I doubt anyone was as excited as me about the prospect. Except perhaps when I baked and frosted 65 cow-shaped cookies for the baby shower, I was pretty much overjoyed.
I spent plenty of time imagining the baby, imagining being Nana (in honor of my own exceptional grandmother), and contemplating my future role as a part time childcare provider.
I could not sleep the night we knew my daughter-in-law was in labor.
Logan Paige arrived on April 30, 2016.
My imagination did not prepare me. The emotion was visceral –perhaps not as mother wolf-like as when my own children were born – but what was once an idle daydream became an obsession. Yes, I look at Lo’s ever-growing online photo album every day. Yes, I have to restrain myself from buying her something every time I am in a store. Yes, I sing lullabies. Yes, I miss her as soon as I leave her.
I think that before Lo was born, perhaps I was a more interesting, well-rounded person. I would not have tried to bore you with my appreciation of her tiny hands and how she intertwines her tiny fingers. I would not have tried to bore you with this blog.
But, alas, my heart has melted and I am no longer who I was.
In that I might need a little perspective and certainly a distraction, I decided to start writing this. Maybe I can unravel the tangled emotions I have of my own mother, my aforementioned Nana, and of course Lo. If not, I could share a few recipes instead.